On Stepping Away

The combination of my dad's shocking diagnosis with cancer in December and the decision to go back to school full-time caused me to step away significantly from social media.  Prior to my extended time away, I had been blogging regularly since 2006.  I was never in the league of "famous mom-bloggers" (by any stretch of the imagination) but writing regularly, keeping up with what other women were contributing to the blogosphere, and connecting with interesting people from all over the world was a tangible part of my life. I even made some real dollars at this writing gig.

As a stay at home mother of four young kids, I truly enjoyed this link to the outside world.  When I think about blogging, and specifically female bloggers, overall, I'm grateful for the voice blogging has brought to a demographic of women who have normally been excluded from the marketplace of ideas.  There was a time when stepping away from the workforce to stay at home full-time meant saying good-bye to actively participating in big ideas that are shaping our culture.  I'm grateful for the awareness female bloggers have brought to women's issues in particular, and that as a whole, motherhood has been celebrated and honestly talked about in public while I've been raising my children.

Returning to school (and I anticipate the same will hold true for entering the workforce) has never felt like I was walking out of a cave into "real life" again.  Fortunately, my life felt just as real and valuable as that of the woman who enters an office building every day.  I think women bloggers and even social media have had a hand in elevating these precious years of child-rearing and keeping stay-at-home moms connected to the world and to each other.

Stepping away from the constant presence of social media offered me a wonderful opportunity to really consider what I want to allow back into my life.  Do I want to blog as regularly?  Do I want to blog at all?  Do I want to keep up with other bloggers and the wide scope of issues I followed prior to December?  What about Facebook?  And Instagram?  How much time do I have for Pinterest?  As a whole, do these neutral tools tend to make me a healthier person?  A better friend?  A happy wife and mother?

This idea of social media and how it affects us is particularly interesting to me as a woman and someone walking into the field of women's health.  I'm predicting (if there aren't already) there will be countless women sitting on the couches of therapists, unaware that they are there because of interactions they have had with social media.  I could easily be one of them.  It would be interesting to know how many women have had noticeable shifts in their health and personality since the prevalence of social media has skyrocketed.  I think a time is coming, if it isn't here already, when those in the medical field will have to address clinical symptoms for women that can be traced back to time spent online.

Now that I've had some time away (and I also have a couple of school-free months) I've given myself an assignment - to really think through what I want my interaction with social media to look like upon reentry.  On one hand, I'm thankful for the way women in particular have shaped me over the past eight years.  I've learned a great deal from not only reading the stories of others, but also writing in this space and being corrected. My perspective is a lot bigger and richer because of many of you who have offered your thoughts and have even disagreed with me right here in this little corner of the internet. I've pinned recipes my family loves.  I've planned activities I took great pleasure in recreating for my kids in my own home.  I've become aware of issues I never knew existed - complex issues that have made me a better person and a more sympathetic human being.  I can't describe how valuable these aspects of the internet have been in my life.  I've also walked away from the computer hating myself, my hair, my back splash, and the light in my hall.  I've spent afternoons (maybe even days) wishing my life was something it wasn't - and never will be.  I've wasted time.  I've given strangers more than their fair-share of my attention.

I refuse to see the internet as bad or throw it all out.  There are good parts worth holding onto and incorporating into our lives. I'm not a victim.  I'm the boss of how I let social media shape me.  I control what I let in.  I'm the one who will answer for my own health and whether or not my interactions with social media encourage and inspire me - or leave me feeling empty, discontent, and unhealthy.

I truly believe as females, if we're not considering these ideas and more importantly honestly talking them through with the people around us, our health will suffer significantly. I remember when blogging was the only thing.  Remember that?  Now there's Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and just when we thought we could not share more of our life - along came Instagram.  Now we can't even leave the internet at home anymore. Remember when we could?  I stick the entire world in my purse and take it with me to the store. Isn't that odd?  I'm sensing a trend here, and I don't think it's one that will naturally help us actively look at our social interactions and thoughtfully decide what is healthy for ourselves and our relationships. Social media is a never-ending party, and it's not going away or going out of style.  Without intentionally stopping and evaluating what I want to participate in and how often, I can easily get sucked into every gathering.  With social media, I'm always invited.  So are you. We have choices about what we let into our lives and what we don't, but I think I give away that power too readily.  I'm sure there are whiz-bang marketers out there who are paid a lot of money to make sure I forget I have choices about how I let social media shape my life and personal health.

I'll be continuing to ask myself some big questions over the next couple months.  Questions about balance and if there is such a thing. How can I participate in this world without stealing from myself and the people I love? How can social media help me connect deeper to the real-life people I'm actually connected to and help us celebrate, together, this beautiful life we've each been given?  How can I engage in a way that makes me a better person - someone who is inspired and informed - not overwhelmed and discouraged.  How can social media enrich my life instead of taking from it?

So tell me friends, are you asking the same questions?  How do you stay healthy and sane in this world of screens and a constant buffet of images and information?  How do you make sure your interactions are leading towards overall health and well-being?  What steps are you taking to protect yourself and the ones you love from social media robbing you of what's good, real, and true?

On Going Back

Weeks before my first day of school I'd find myself imagining what it would be like to walk back into a classroom after all these years of being gone.  There were moments of shear dread and a few filled with sweaty panic as I wondered whether or not I'd be able to mentally handle an intense semester of learning. The load of prerequisite sciences and math - each meant to weed out those who don't belong in the medical field - seemed like a lofty goal for someone who wasn't old, a liberal arts major, the mother of four kids, a wife, and a daughter watching her father quickly deteriorate with cancer. I happened to be all of those things the day I took a deep breath and decided to go back. Being realistic is normally not one of my gifts, but it felt realistic to doubt whether or not I could do this.

I did what some would consider incredible this semester - what I would have declared impossible five months ago.  I walked out of what's meant to be one of the hardest semesters of pre-reqs with two things.  Straight A's in classes I'm not even good at and the realization that being a grown woman is way harder than being a student.   Comparatively the academic part of this past semester was one of the easier tasks I've accomplished in the past 13 years.

After the first round of tests - the first round of grades that startled me in the best possible way - I had to laugh at myself.  Why did I think school would be harder than real life?  Maybe the reason I remember school being difficult was because as a young twenty-something, going to class and cranking out a decent grade truly was the most arduous assignment I'd ever been given.  Remember those days?  When Biology was the biggest deal, ever?

While the disheveled young girls around me, clad in giant, neon sorority t-shirts and lopsided pony tails moaned and groaned about assignments, I'd quietly ask God to go easy on them.  One day they'd realize that memorizing most of the muscles in the human body in one week is one of the easier assignments they will have in their grown-up lives as women.

This semester was rough.  It was draining and stressful.  My classes were tough.  Juggling children, making sure they felt loved and supported was a challenge. Remembering we liked each other and should stay married was a chore some days. I gave up trying to focus while caring for my dad, savoring his last few months he was alive, and holding his hand as he left us.  Yet there was something so elementary and simple about school that I wasn't expecting and didn't know I needed.

I can't conjure up the words to describe how cathartic it felt to be handed textbooks and a test. I thought this scenario would make me panic, but it didn't. As daunting as it was to memorize body systems and mathematical equations, this one part of my life was filled with questions that had real, concrete answers. Questions.  With Answers.  Pages and pages of questions with answers.

What bliss.

Before returning to school I was a mother for 13 years.  I've been attempting to navigate marriage for almost 17.  I was employed by a church for a decade. Marriage, motherhood, church work?  I had made a career of living in the realm of "no clear-cut answers" and "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing." Am I on the right page?  Is this the right method?  Am I even in the right vicinity?  What's the goal again?  I'm not even sure I know. Just when I thought life couldn't get any more ambiguous, we moved to a third world country where I found myself surrounded by indescribable suffering and injustice.  Now I not only doubted if I was doing the right thing, but if anyone - anywhere on this entire earth was even close to getting it right.

Pass me three chapters, a black-and-white test, a scantron, and a number 2 pencil any day of the week.

I haven't experienced a reality that included an answer key or a true way to gauge success in almost 15 years.  In that bizarre way school was a relief this semester.  Four months filled with clear-cut goals and percentiles.  It felt like an alternate universe.

I'm eagerly awaiting my nursing school acceptance letter.  I run to the mailbox every day like a child who is waiting on their birthday money.  Then I walk back into the house - the one that holds my immeasurable life - the one filled with uncertainty, doubt, and beauty. The one I'll never get paid to do.  The one I don't understand.  The one where I'm clearly not grasping key concepts.

If going back to school taught me anything it's this -

The parts of life that can't possibly be measured in the present are the ones that hold the most value and meaning.  It takes an enormous measure of faith, energy, and courage to raise children, invest in relationships, and grope around in the dark for Jesus.  Women seem to carry that load with a willingness and capability that astounds me.

School?  Easy.  Life?  Not so much.

If you've ever wondered - even for just one minute - if you have what it takes to go back to school (even if you don't want to) -

You do.  If you've lived this wild grown up life for more than five minutes -  you're probably over-qualified.

Beautiful

It seems as though I was born with a hole in my soul.  An irregular shaped foramen hidden deep inside.  Sometimes I like to pretend it all away - make believe it's not there.  As much as I love the idea of smart, strong, independent women - as much as I want to be one - I'd be denying something obvious and true if I said feeling beautiful was unimportant.

"Dear.  You're so beautiful."

He knew just when to say it.

Oh, he'd tell me I'm smart.  I remember him saying those words too.  I needed to hear him affirm my intelligence, but I had strong, brilliant women in my life and plenty of teachers, report cards, and scantrons telling me my brain worked. For some reason their words weighed almost as much as my dad's.

But that odd shaped, hungry place - yearning to hear "You're beautiful.  You're lovely?" Only two voices know the coordinates.  Only two voices have ever known their way to that place inside of me.

I wonder if all dads and husbands know they hold a key no one else possesses?  Somehow their "beautifuls" are the perfect shape. Their currency worth far more than any other's.

"Dear.  You're so beautiful."  Dad - I'll miss that part of you that's made me who I am.  You've saved me a thousand troubled journeys.  In a world bent on redefining beauty and making women feel less than and not enough - it's a big job to set a girl's heart at ease - to offer rest - to say those words so often and so genuinely - that she believes they're true.  You did that for me.

Stopped

Our world seemed to stop in early December.  My dad went to the doctor with some pain in his abdomen.  Within a week he was diagnosed with stage four, terminal cancer.  There is no recovering from that moment when the surgeon walks into the room and speaks a handful of words that shake your entire life ragged and loose. All other days are measured and marked by the day when cancer is named.

We lost my sweet dad three months later.

It seems unbelievable - even now.  I struggle to believe it - to allow it to be real.

Our days are still slow and will be for awhile, I'm sure.  We're grieving and missing him so much.  I've always thought that Life is the best teacher.  Maybe I've been wrong.  Perhaps Death is.  I learned so much from my dad while he was with us, but even more watching him finish this race.  Most of my memories I'll keep close to my heart, tucked in tight - buried deep like treasure. I'll never share them publicly.  They are too precious and dear to me.  Some stories are magical that way.  They are mine, and that's part of their beauty.

But as I get the strength and time, I'd like to share some of my favorite pieces of my dad in this space.  I want to remember.  How could I forget?  

Waldorf Salad

Prior to diving into the world of plant-based foods, I'd describe our family as having about an 85-90% whole foods diet.  Although we weren't eating a lot of plants, I also wasn't buying boxed, processed foods.  Except for the occasional Chick-Fil-A, fast food hasn't been a part of our life for many, many years. I shopped mostly around the perimeter of the grocery store, bought our produce from a locally owned "farm stand" or the farmer's market, and put a lot of effort into making sure we were eating minimal foods that contained unpronounceable words.  Hudson and I ate a little differently than Aaron and the rest of the boys.  Hudson and I ate a strict gluten-free diet.  Gluten affects Hudson in an adverse way, and it makes me feel bloated and tired.  If I gained a few pounds, I could always (I mean, always) think back through the previous month and notice I had eaten more grains than normal.  I've eaten a pretty strict paleo diet for over four years now, and I truly believe removing the grains has kept me fitting into my jeans and given me a lot of energy.

Even though our diet was relatively healthy before adding in more fruits and vegetables, transitioning to this new way of eating has still been difficult.  Although we were constantly moving towards a healthier diet, we were not taking full advantage of all that fruits and vegetables have to offer our bodies.  Meat and animal-based foods - not vegetables - were the main attraction in just about every meal we ate (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even some of our snacks).  Vegetables were relegated to a minor role.

The best way to describe the change in our diet?  Meat and animal based products have been given the role of an "extra" you see in the background and fruits and vegetables now have their own trailer, complete with make-up artist and hairstylist.  They are the star of the show at every meal.  Meat and animal-based products are still allowed on the set every once in a while during the week, but they are only given a few lines to say, and they aren't allowed to steal the show.

We've been eating this way for a little over a month now, and it's finally feeling a little more natural. During the first two weeks, my goal wasn't so much to drastically reduce our comfortable animal-based foods.  My goal was to begin introducing more vegetables - to begin talking them up - to make them more important without drastically reducing animal-based foods from our diet.

This salad served as one of the great transition foods for our family.  It's packed with plant-based goodness, but for the first couple weeks, I kept the cheese in the salad so the kids would feel more at ease.  I'm happy to say that a couple weeks later, the cheese isn't invited to this salad, and no one even cares.

My aunt brought this salad to Christmas this year, and I couldn't get enough of it (and the yummy dressing).  I love the dressing so much I use it on lots of other salads as well.  You can make a lot of the dressing and keep it in the refrigerator to have on hand as needed.

Waldorf Spinach Salad
Serves 6

DRESSING
1/4 cup honey
3 Tbsp. olive oil
2 Tbsp. Braggs Organic Apple Cider Vinegar
1/2 tsp. ground mustard
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/8 tsp. salt
1 clove garlic, finely chopped

In a bowl, stir honey, oil, vinegar, mustard, cinnamon, salt, and garlic with wire whisk until well blended.

SALAD

1 bag (9 oz) spinach, torn (baby spinach is great)
2 large apples or pears, thinly sliced (ripe pears are way better)
4 oz. extra-sharp cheddar cheese, shaved (optional)
1 cup thinly sliced celery
1 cup walnuts
1/2 cup golden raisins or dried cranberries (without sugar)

Mix spinach, apples/pears, cheese (if using), celery, walnuts, and raisins/cranberries in a large bowl.  Pour dressing over the salad, gently toss until salad is coated.  Serve immediately.

Eat it as the main dish or serve with your favorite soup.

This is a great paleo/primal salad as well.

If you're wanting some inspiration to up the fruits/vegetables in your diet, check out the Forks Over Knives documentary or the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead documentary (both are on Netflix). We didn't walk away from these documentaries ready to completely rid our diet of meat (especially grass-fed, ethically raised meat), but these documentaries did greatly encourage us to rethink the role fruits and vegetables play in our diet.  We walked away from each of these documentaries in awe of food and the ability plants have to prevent, halt, and even cure disease.  Incredible!

Related Links:

Did I Mention We're Tweaking our Diet?

Pulp Fiction

Tap. Tap.  Is this thing on?

The last two weeks have been so full, I don't know where to start.  My linear, teacher mind wants to put into words all the events that have transpired over the past two weeks and do so in chronological order.  New school for me.  New school for Anson.  New tutor for my homeschooling kids (she's the blessed shiz).

I want to tell you all about going back to college.  Sitting in classes with cute, little infant girls.  I want us to laugh together about how impossible it seems to pack notebooks full of information into my brain while it revolts against such shenanigans.  I want to spill the beans about how exciting and terrifying a new journey can be.

But I don't have time.

In the midst of getting kids settled into new routines, navigating a college campus, sitting in class, studying my face off, and trying to keep laundry done and diseases from growing in our home, I also decided to transition the way our family eats to a mostly plant-based diet.  I'm nothing if not, crazy, friends.  You know that by now, right?

I can't tell the story called "The Past Two Weeks" from the beginning, but can I jump in and start where I can?  Can I pull a Terantino?

This eating plants thing is new to us.  In the past we've been die-hard carnivores.  We have tried so many recipes over the past month.  Some have been exciting.  Others, not so much.  Some have employed ingredients we recognized.  Mostly we've wandered around strange markets in town saying things like, "Uh - what's daikon?  Is that how you pronounce it? Do you sell such a thing?"

I may not have as much time to process my life in writing this semester, but I still want a written record of this season - even if that record isn't as thoughtful, cohesive, or in chronological order.  It almost feels torturous at times (is that a little too dramatic?) that so much new is happening in our lives right now - so much that is thought provoking and utterly real - and I don't have time to stop and trap these memories in writing.

So I'll just jump in - starting this weekend - sharing blips - and recipes - what's working - what isn't.

P.S.  I hope you have a fab weekend.  We're going on a hot date tonight.  I've been having an affair with enormous text books over the past two weeks, so I'm excited to chill out tonight with my first love.  We're eating sushi and wandering the isles of World Market. It's our favorite date.  I'll sneak in some studying tomorrow (somebody stop me!) before we finally see The Hobbit in the theater.  All three boys have now finished the book, so it's time.

Posting my favorite salad tomorrow...

Related:  Did I Mention We're Tweaking our Diet?

My New Life

There has been so much new packed into this one week and so much I'd like to process in writing right here with all of you, but these books are calling my name.

This is my new life.  It's exciting.  It's hard.  I'm learning to take it one day at a time.

Hoping to find some time soon to elaborate.

Thanks for encouraging me friends.  You make me brave.

I hope your weekend is filled with unexpected beauty.